I can’t help it, I LOVE watching Miss America. I used to watch it with my sister and my dad growing up – we’d make fun of the contestants and the stupid things that are said, and the inevitable blunders. I know, it’s mean, but was a great bonding experience. As an adult I continue to watch and taunt from my living room. This year, after a full day of watching football, I was settled into my comfy chair and was going to watch with little fanfare. Until one golden nugget from Miss Texas (I think, camera cut off the sash), and decided this year warrants a live blog. So, here goes:
8:53pm – “This sounds a little odd, but right before I go out, I think of puppies and kittens because it makes me happy inside.” No dear, doesn’t sound odd at all….
9:02pm – Miss California “from the avocado capital, holy guacamole, I’m Marina Inserra, Miss California”
9:02pm – Miss Colorado “from the highest city in the country, I’m talking elevation, people!”
9:03pm – Camera had to tilt down for Indiana – wow, she’s short!
9:04pm – did you know Louisiana has four seasons? Football, hurricanes, Mardi Gras and crawfish.
9:04pm – Ooh, and we’re arrogant. Soon-to-be Dr. Massachusetts at Harvard dental school.
9:05pm – Reality TV whore alert! From American Idol to Miss America, it’s Miss Mississippi
9:05pm – Really Missouri, the only claim to fame for your state is the hometown of Walt Disney??
9:06pm – Oh, Miss Nebraska, never wear a leather dress again. Is that a baby bump?
9:07pm – Ok, now THAT’s a reason for a state to be proud! Thank you Oklahoma for giving us Chuck Norris!! Or maybe Chuck Norris gave us Oklahoma?
9:08pm – Miss Utah, I don’t give a rats ass that your favorite snack is green jello.
9:09pm – OMG, Miss Virgin Islands “Just like my braces, I’m here for a year!”
9:09pm – Seahawks shout out from Miss Washington, who, unlike previous years, is pretty cute!
first semifinalist – Miss Idaho. Who promptly falls to the ground. Note, she wore her insulin pump outside her dress for the intros.
- Kathy Ireland
- Donald Driver (DWTS shoutout!)
- Shawn Johnson (Another DWTS alum… ABC hosted, obvs)
- Marc Cherry
- Ann McDonald, an Army Brigadier General
- Gary something, who cares
- Lee Merriweather, still looking fab!
Your remaining semi—finalists
- Miss Massachusetts – again reminding us she’s gonna be a doctor. We get it. Jeez.
- Miss Mississippi – again reminding us she was on American Idol. Top 13. Do they really do Top 13? I don’t think so.
- Miss Texas – thinking of puppies and kittens, I’m sure.
- Miss Tennessee – wow, her eyelashes are bonkers. She can’t open her eyes, they’re so heavy
- Miss Kentucky – has MS. Good for her being up there!
- Miss Alabama – has lived in 7 diff states, oh, because her dad was a famous football player.
- Miss Ohio – Oh no, she’s a ventriloquist. I’m creeped out already
- Miss Virginia – competing for her brother w/ cerebral palsy. Loving the group of black ladies in the audience cheering her skinny white ass on!
- Miss Florida – cautioning of the evils of posting photos on social media
- Miss Connecticut – with the squeaky voice of an 8 year old
- Miss New York – Seems NY always wins
- Miss Arkansas – Used to live there. She’s cute. Seems to be the only redhead
- Miss Iowa – telling us all about her love of Game of Thrones! Oh, and peanut butter.
- Miss Oklahoma – Should have thanked Chuck Norris
Oooooo! the judges get to add one more contestant! So much stealing from reality shows…. after the commercial break
9:26pm (commercial break) There are a lot of ladies with illnesses, or families with illnesses. Is this representative of our world? Or did they win because they played the illness card?
9:27pm – I really like Lara Spencer, but asking the girls to live-tweet (verbally) their feelings in 140 characters? Lame.
9:28pm – And the judges save North Dakota, who is already crying like she won the damn thing. Until Chris Harrison reminds her she’s got the swimsuit competition immediately and she’s still in the ugly intro dress. Run, Dakota, run!
9:29pm – Oh, the losers get to continue sitting on stage and watch the girls who beat them posing. And, oh yay, three girls get to Instagram from back stage. Oh jeez, and you can Shazaam the whole thing.
9:30pm – Remember everyone, this is a scholarship program, NOT a beauty pageant. As if that makes any difference to us chubby girls 😉
9:31pm – As soon as I mention chubby girls, the chubby sister of Miss South Carolina (who didn’t make it to the semi-finals) is posting pics online of two former beauty queens. And, btw, she’s adorable!
9:36pm – Miss Oklahoma channels Beyonce. Makes more sense than puppies and kittens… And one girl has a plan if she trips: “stop, drop and roll and make a pose!” I’d pay good money to see one of them fall over in the swimsuit competition.
9:37pm – Judges award points in the swimsuit competition for commitment to health, fitness and talent. Really? Or eating disorders, online bullying, and bad body image.
9:37pm – Idaho has her insulin pump clipped to her suit. In a different place from before. Is this really necessary? I think you’re just showing off for extra points…
9:38pm – Miss Mississippi, I believe the only black gal, is bangin!
9:43pm – Well, we survived the swimsuits, and no one wiped out. Darn. Every year, I have hope… Would love to see one of the girls come out in a suit like this:
9:49pm – The next semi-finalists, who get to put their pretty princess dresses on, are:
- Miss Mississippi
- Miss Alabama – gratuitous shot of her football daddy (Mark Brunell)
- Miss Florida
- Miss Iowa
- Miss New York
- Miss Virginia
- Miss Kentucky, who gets hugged by the insulin pump next to her
- Miss Ohio
- Miss “I wish I was Chuck Norris” Oklahoma
- Miss Heavy Eyelashes/Tennessee
- Miss/Dr. Massachusetts
- Miss Arkansas
9:55pm – I need another glass of wine…
9:57pm – Oh hell, Chris Harrison is trying to recruit the losers for The Bachelor. He’s gotten creepier since his wife left him….
Time for the evening gowns!
9:58pm – Mississippi again looks great, but is walking like her legs are glued together. Miss Alabama’s dress looks like she was attacked by animals before she came out. Maybe Miss Texas brought the kittens?
9:59pm – Miss Iowa looks like she’s crying, or in pain. Not a good look. But the green dress is pretty. However, Miss NY looks ridiculous! Pointy shoulders! Long sleeves! Ugh.
10:00pm – Miss Virginia is wearing a wedding dress. Lots of white dresses actually. NY, Kentucky, and Ohio are in white too. Only, Ohio’s has a deep plunge and ridiculous collar
10:01pm – Oklahoma (also in white) is comparing herself to a giraffe. What?
10:01pm – Tennessee also in white. Her fashion sense comes from Pinterest. Huh? Massachusetts in white too. What is up with white?
10:01pm – Thank you Miss Arkansas for wearing black!
10:02pm – Seriously, the representative for “Moms Everyday” is a man? Are you freakin’ kidding me? You didn’t have any female executives that could come represent the company? Really? Oh, but they’re supporting women through scholarships…
10:03pm – A montage of the collection of dresses they could have chosen – most of which aren’t white.
10:05pm – Commercial Break. Cruising Twitter for the funniest tweets. Of course, spoiler alert: I know who wins now. Whatever. My favorite:
- @katelynknight92: Why didn’t Sandra Bullock come out of nowhere and tackle someone
10:07pm – Tennessee’s parents just embarrass their kid worse than the horrible eyelashes she’s wearing.
10:09pm – Damn, Mississippi in a sparkly pantsuit with some bangin’ pipes! She’s amazing.
10:11pm – Arkansas singing a religious song… you’re automatically eliminated for that. And meh on the singing anyway.
10:13pm – Oklahoma moves us from singing to modern dance. But seriously, modern dancers do NOT grin like idiots while they’re dancing…. And the overlay ‘pop-up-video’ tells us she can recite the alphabet backwards in 5 seconds. Maybe she should have done that for her talent.
10:18pm – So, our pianist (Dr. Massachusetts) was attacked by a cheetah in Zambia. Where are the scars? Why aren’t those on show like the insulin pump? Oh, and apparently was picked last in kickball. Who cares?
10:19pm – Holy shit. Ventriloquist (Ohio) singing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Fuck me.
10:21pm – Another modern dancer grinning. Thanks Florida. Len Goodman on DWTS would knock off a few points for that. OH! Pop-up-video just told me she slapped a shark as a kid! AGAIN – why is this not her talent? So much more awesome!
10:24pm – Tennessee and her eyelashes starts her song with her back to the audience. Reminds me of a routine a friend did once as a joke.
10:29pm – OMG – Miss Virginia styled her dress to exactly represent Holiday Barbie!!!
10:31pm – Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!! Miss NY is on the floor playing with a red solo cup like Anna Kendrick. In a hideous pants suit. And singing “Happy”. Want to jump through the TV and smack her.
10:33pm – Had to be done. Frozen comes to Miss America. Ballet routine to “Let it Go” from Miss Football Jr. (Alabama). I liked Elsa’s moves better. Cue Mark Brunell again.
10:35pm – Two contestants are eliminated and don’t get to perform! And, they play “One less problem without you” as they go to commercial break!?? Freakin’ BRILLIANT!
10:39pm – Commercial break. Am I the only one creeped out by the ‘German’ Toaster Strudel kid?
10:41pm – And the questions begin, also identifying the finalists.
- First one: Guns and children for Arkansas. Obvs pro-gun, but anti guns for kids
- Second: Domestic violence and Ray Rice’s wife sticking with him. Well answered, Florida.
- Third: After that cups performance, NY is in the finals? Ugh. What areas should women take the lead in congress?
- Fourth: Virginia moves forward. Question about how to deal with Isis? No real answer from Holiday Barbie.
- Fifth: Massachusetts moves on also. Question is about sexual assault. Seriously, most depressing questions ever!
Overall, the questions are lame and depressing. And even more depressing is that Mississippi, who was the best talent by far, is out. But, beer-pong, Anna Kendrick wanna-be NY is in.
10:57pm – The winner is announced. What a freakin’ joke! Miss New York?!? How is this girl representing America? Her dress is ugly and she played with a cup for her talent. The judges should be ashamed, as is all of America.